Changing the Rules

Boston drivers are notorious. Its not that we are bad. We are actually very good drivers. No, the problem lies with that dreaded sub group of the human race that likes to invade our precious roads. Tourists.



Boston drivers have rules that we drive by, hell we live by them. They are ours and ours alone. We sure as hell aint' sharing them with some damn tourist. Come to our wonderful city, spend some time, see the sites, spend some money, stay awhile, spend some more money. Just don't drive. Boston is a very walkable city. If you don't like to walk (what the hell is wrong with you?), we have a wonderful mass transit system. If you have an aversion to public transportation, take a cab. You have a 50-50 chance of getting someone who should be driving in NYC. Those are good odds people. Play them. Trust me. The odds of surviving a two block drive behind the wheel of your own car are not as good.



I spent the first 25 years of my life in Boston. I spent my first time behind the wheel on the J-way. I've heard the only thing worse is getting behind the wheel for the first time in Paris. I conquered the rotaries like a seasoned pro. Ok, I'll break with tradition and share ONE rule with you: How to master a rotary - it depends on the rotary, the time of day, and who has the bigger and/or faster car that determines right of way. Have fun.



Shortly before my 25th birthday I left Beantown for our Nation's Capitol. A city with drivers not just from all over the country but all over the world. Here's the best way to describe driving in DC. Things are so bad, they've had to put LIGHTS in their rotaries, excuse me, CIRCLES. I found out about the lights after a very nice DC cop pulled me over for running 3 red lights in a row. The last light I went through was 1/2 mile back and you are just pulling me over now? He kept saying something about a circle and the lights and I didn't know what the hell the man was smokin'. Took a bit before we both realize that rotary and circle are one in the same.



"You have LIGHTS in your rotaries? How stupid are you people?"



Always one for making great first impressions. He was the second cop that week to ask me to get back in my car, drive back to Boston and never return. Please don't tell either one I ignored them.



It took a bit but I finally learned to blend in with the drivers that make up the DC Metro Area. Oh how I longed for the common sense of the Boston roads. So now that I've been in DC for awhile, I decide it is time for a trip home. My mom is having folks over her house. Her cousin needs a ride so I volunteer to pick her up. I am a block from her house when I have to slam on the brakes to avoid running into the back of a cab. I finish my Sailor/Truck Driver/Pissed-off Redhead screamfest and proceed the final block without incident. I even make it back to my mom's without incident but I am still furious. Freaking IDIOT stops for a damn pedestrian. Freaking idiot can walk a block to the light or play Frogger like the rest of us. What the hell was he thinking?



"There's a crosswalk there".



What the hell difference does that make?



"We stop for pedestrians in crosswalks now".



WHHHAT? WTF? Since when? WHAAAT? NO WAY! WTF? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?



"You're a tourist now".



God Damn Son of A What the change the rules and not tell me of all the stupid ridiculous can't freaking believe this... Pout.



I return to my homeland this past weekend for my 20th high school reunion (go ahead, do the math. You still won't know my age because you don't know how many grades I skipped or how many times I was held back). At the end of the night, I am standing outside the front doors with the rest of my classmates still yakking so I light a cigarette.



"What are you doing"?



Smoking and finally being legal about it. He (new headmaster is walking by me) can't bust me.



"No but the cops can".



For what? I'm over 18.



"It's illegal to smoke on school grounds in Massachusetts".



WHHHAAAT? Since when? WHAAAT? Are you shittin me? You people went and change the freaking rules again without telling me? God damn it. Oh well. Not like I haven't had a conversation with a Quincy cop before.