Talk About Taking the Fun Out of Work

My early morning good-bye conversation with my son:

Me: Good-bye baby boy. I love you. Have a good day.

Little Man: Bye Mommy. I love you too.

Me: You take good care of your father today.

Little Man: And you take good care of the people in your office. 'Cause you have to go to your office today. And no hitting anyone in your office. We don't hit. That's not nice.


Good to know kiddo and my coworkers thank you...

Security Blankets 2.0

Potty training has been interesting time. As I've said from the beginning, boys usually potty train between 3 and 4 with the majority closer to 4. From day one, Little Man was, for the most part, pretty predictable with milestones. What ever the average time was for a child to hit the milestone, add 2 weeks and he would hit it. So I figured he would achieve full potty-training 2 weeks after his 4th birthday. That means I have approximately 2 more months of purchasing pullups.

He's had the whole peeing in the potty down for quite awhile and I never once had to resort to the cheerios in the toilet. His aim was perfect from day one. His patience and ability to wait until he was completely done.... that took a little bit. Yes. I bought Clorox wipes and Swifter wet refills in bulk.

He has even (finally) mastered the whole knowing when he needs to poop. That was cause for some major celebration in this house.

Shit we need to get a life.

So all that was left was getting him through the night. The last hurdle. The one thing between us and the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately that last hurdle appeared to have the height of the Mt Everest and the width of the Great Wall of China. Can't get over. Can't get around. And no, tunneling under was never an option. I'm claustrophobic.

And its just pullups. We've suffered through worse stages and there will be worse to come (Military school will remain a viable option until he realizes I can't afford the tuition).

And then the unthinkable happens.

This kid has woken up dry 13 nights in a row. A day shy of a full two weeks. It is amazing. It is shocking. I feel the need to throw a shred party so I can tear up the remaining pullups. I can save MONEY! Kiddo you can sleep in underwear. You've done it!

That noise you heard was my darling son slamming the brakes on that idea.

Get rid of my pullups? Sleep in my underwear? Are you NUTS woman? Have you lost your mind? No way in HELL.

I never knew pullups could double as a security blanket.

So we are down to two pullups. I have two nights to convince this kid that it is ok to let go and move on. And if I fail miserably the adult thing to do will be to tell him if I have to keep buying pullups I wont' be able to buy Christmas presents....

Parental Force for Proper Behavior

You’ve heard it before. Kids are sponges. They repeat everything you say. If you want to know what you sound like, listen to your child.  I know this. My child proves the validity of these statements almost daily. It still doesn’t stop me from being caught off guard every now and then by the little imp.

We met friends for dinner one night. It was a last minute plan literally thrown together a few minutes before I left the office. A friend (and coworker) IM’d me shortly before I logged off for the day asking if we could meet for sushi. Thanks to modern technology such last minutes plans were easy to make. He and I got our respective spouses on the phone while we IM’d and made arrangements. A smooth and easy decision that took minutes but it did have one downside: our schedules were slightly conflicted so in order to pull this off, it meant having Little Man up passed his bedtime. We decide to risk it.

Once at home I offer Little Man his choice of snacks to keep his hunger at bay. A hungry picky eater can make a demon look nice and is a guaranteed quick way to be asked to leave a restaurant and never return. The planned restaurant happens to be the favorite sushi restaurant of all who planned on attending. When you are a sushi addict like me and you find a place as good as this, you make damn sure you are never, ever do anything to cause yourself to be asked to leave and never return.  Hungry Demon Child is a sure fire way to have that happen.  So while he’s snacking away I impart the importance of proper behavior and exactly what I consider proper behavior to be.

Too bad he didn’t have that conversation with his dad and me.

We were the first to arrive so we grabbed a table and waited for our friends. Our waitress brought out some edamame and 3 fried dumplings.  Little Man refuses to try the dumplings. Even though I think he would like them I don’t argue. More for me. Eh, except this time it was John’s turn to get the extra dumpling. Yes, I can be nice on the rare occasion. Doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy for him. So as the man makes a move to grab what is rightfully his, I try to beat him to the punch. A fake fight over dumpling ensues as our chopsticks battle to the death.

Enter Little Man Samurai.

“YOU KIDS STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW! IF YOU NOT STOP I TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU! YOU STOP IT! NO FIGHTING! THAT’S IT. I’M TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU.”

And he proceeds to pick up the dish and place it next to him, far away from either of us.

The entire restaurant went silent as Little Man screamed at the top of his lungs.

Silent except for the sound of his parents laughing and choking out the words “Indoor voice kid. Indoor voice.”

“I don’t care. You kids is fighting. There is no fighting at the table. Now you don’t get it. I take it away from you. I told you. I told you to behave prop’ly. I told you daddy. I told you mommy.”

 “Who’s the parent and who’s the child?”

“I the... parent... child... You apologize!”

It’s hard to appear apologetic when you are half under the table choking on your own tears.

My friend’s wife met Little Man for the first time that evening. She thinks he is adorable.  They arrive after his show of parental force.

The best part about it? He’s a mama’s boy. So after he got each of us to apologize and promise not to fight again he decided mommy would get the dumpling.